Should I comfort my child right after a loss?

Yes, but comfort means acknowledging the feeling, not going over mistakes or making promises about the future. It’s better to save the conversation about the game itself until the emotion has settled.

What should I do if my child cries over a loss?

Give them a little time and don’t rush them with something like “come on, that’s enough”. Calmly being there usually helps faster than trying to distract them straight away.

Do we need to go over every lost game?

Not necessarily. If your child is still upset, going over the game can wait. Regular short reviews matter more than reviewing every single game without exception.

For parents

How to support your child after a lost game

Tears, resentment towards the opponent, “I’m never playing again” — a familiar scene for almost every chess parent. We go through three practical principles from Chess Prime coaches: no “better luck next time” and no pressure about results.

📅 8 July 2026 ⏱ 11 min read 🎯 For parents

Why losing hurts so much

For an adult, a lost game is a series of poor moves. For a child, especially at 5–9, it often sounds completely different: “I play badly” or even “I’m bad”. Separating the result of a game from your own worth is a skill that develops gradually, and children simply don’t have it yet.

That’s why reactions like tears, anger at the board or saying “chess is stupid” aren’t a tantrum or a sign that chess isn’t right for your child. It’s a normal stage that almost every young player goes through.

Important to understand

Phrases like “better luck next time” seem comforting, but in fact they devalue the child’s effort: they turn chess — a game where the result depends on decisions — into a lottery. What the child hears is: “What you did didn’t matter.”

Three principles that really work

Our coaches use these principles in lessons every day — they work equally well after a tournament game and after a warm-up at home.

1

Emotions first, then going over the game

Right after a loss, a child isn’t ready to hear about “the wrong bishop move” — they’re only ready for someone to notice they’re upset. Give them space: “I can see you’re upset, it really is disappointing” — and only once the emotion has passed (sometimes after 10 minutes, sometimes the next day) come back to the game.

2

Praise decisions, not just results

In chess you can play a strong game and still lose — because of one mistake in time trouble or a more experienced opponent. If you only praise wins, a child quickly learns that effort doesn’t count, only the score does. Point out specific good decisions — even in a lost game there are usually quite a few.

3

Go over the game together — without criticism

Going over a game isn’t a lecture about what went wrong, it’s a search you do together: 2–3 key moments, questions instead of statements. “What did you see on this move?”, “What would you try now?” — questions like these teach children to think rather than make excuses.

Would you like to see how a coach goes over a game with a child without criticism or pressure?

Free first lesson — 45 minutes, online

Sign up →

Phrases best avoided

Some familiar words of comfort actually work against us. Here are a few examples and what you can say instead.

Instead of“Better luck next time”

Better to say“Tell me, what was the hardest part of this game?”

Instead of“But you’ve been practising — how did that happen?”

Better to say“Sometimes opponents are stronger — that’s normal, you’re growing as a player”

Instead of“Never mind, it’s just a game”

Better to say“I can see this matters to you, and that’s okay too”

If your child refuses to keep playing

After a big upset, a child sometimes announces they’re giving up chess. In most cases it’s the emotion of the moment, not a final decision — and it’s important not to argue with it right then.

Don’t insist on carrying on straight away, and don’t argue with “I’m quitting” in the moment — accept it as a temporary state.
Suggest a break without pressure: “All right, not today — we’ll come back to it tomorrow.”
A day or two later, gently suggest something new that isn’t linked to the recent loss — for example, a warm-up with puzzles instead of a game.
If refusing to play happens regularly and comes with strong anxiety, it’s worth talking to the coach — together it’s easier to understand what’s behind the reaction.

Cheat sheet for quick review

First the emotion, then going over the game — not the other way round.
Praise decisions and effort, not just winning.
Go over games with questions, not criticism.
Avoid phrases that devalue effort (“better luck”, “just a game”).
“I’m quitting chess” after a loss is usually an emotion, not a decision.

Common questions about support after a loss

Yes, but comfort isn’t going over mistakes or making promises about the future — it’s acknowledging the feeling: “I can see you’re hurt.” It’s better to save the conversation about the game itself until the emotion has settled.

Give them a little time and don’t rush them with “come on, that’s enough, it’s nothing”. Calmly being there usually helps faster than trying to switch their attention or distract them straight away.

Not necessarily. If your child is still upset or tired, you can put off going over the game or skip it altogether. Regular short reviews matter more than reviewing literally every game.

Notice whether your child comes back to the board on their own, without reminders, and is interested in beautiful moves and puzzles — even outside tournaments. That’s usually a more reliable sign of interest than their reaction to a particular result.

Contacts

Get in touch and we’ll be happy to answer all your questions

+7 (495) 280-62-22

support@chessprime.online

An online school for students worldwide

Daily
Working hours: 09:00–21:00 Moscow time (UTC+3)
We accept requests around the clock

Still have questions? Get a consultation

Please leave your contact details and we’ll call you back shortly